All I heard was POW and then I was floating in a cloud

Hmm... does my title intrigue you?  Pique your interest?  Well, then, settle back and prepare yourself. 

DISCLAIMER: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, GO GET YOURSELF A SNACK RIGHT NOW.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Like every day, I was on my way to school this morning.  I was minding my own business, driving down the back roads, singing along with the radio, with my window rolled down because I don't have air conditioning in my van.  I was making pretty good time when I caught a glimpse of something odd moving out of the corner of my eye.  Before I could turn to see what it was, I heard...


POW!!!


And then all I could see was a fluffy, billowy cloud floating all around me.  Peaceful, even.

And then it dawned on me that I was still in my van, driving to school.  And I immediately realized I had hit something.  Since I was still driving down the road and seemed to be all in one piece, I figured I was okay.  I pulled over and it occured to me that the cloud floating around me was made of feathers.  And the feathers floating around in front of my face would probably indicate the presence of a bird.  I felt something on the side of my face and reached up to wipe it off, pulling back a hand covered in blood and feathers.  (I hope you listened to my warning above and that you are not munching on something gooey right now.)  Luckily, I knew the blood did not belong to me, and proceeded to get slightly (only slightly) grossed out when I realized it had belonged to the afore-mentioned bird.  I looked down at my arm and saw that it was covered in the ICK, and my shirt had also been similarly affected.  I leaned back and over in my seat to reach down for a napkin or tissue when I felt something warm and smooshy between my back and the car seat.  I froze for a second, and then turned to find PART of a bird with a leg and wing still attached to a portion of the body.  This was not a small chunk of bird, either, and I may have squealed "Oh, sweet mercy!" out loud when I had to pick it up and drop it out the open window.

(Side note: Those who know me very well will immediately realize just how shaken I was by the lack of photographic evidence in this post.  End side note.) (Oh, but you're welcome.)

Because I have no A/C in my van, I usually carry an extra shirt to change into once I get to school (because HELLO, no A/C + 45 minute drive + 9,000 degree average June/July temperature = SWEAT) (also, armpit sweat rings) (also, EWW), so I was able to change and YAY, I didn't end up wearing a dead bird to class.  I also keep a stash of wet hand wipies in my van (because I AM MOMMY) (also, I have tons of napkins, packets of ketchup and Taco Bell sauce, plastic utensils, straws, Ziploc bags and a whole package of those little caps that go on the valves where you put air in your tires), so I was able to clean off my arm and the side of my face reasonably well.  After I picked all the feathers out of my hair, I was pretty much okay and ready to go to class. 

OH, but did I mention the SMELL?  GAG.

When I got out to go in the school, I saw the carnage all down the side of the van and was able to quickly inspect the inside of the van for more ICK (and possibly the rest of the bird).  I found feathers ALL OVER the place and a tiny bit of goo that needed to be cleaned off my daughter's carseat, but other than that, all was fairly clean.

HOWEVER (you knew there was a however coming, right?), when class was over, I ran a quick errand and discovered that despite the "adventure" earlier that morning, I was absolutely starving.  I tried to balance the hunger with the big feathery smear of EWW and preliminarily, the hunger won out, so I went to Taco Bell and ordered a burrito (subsequently adding to my sauce packet collection).  It occured to me, though, as I drove home, that the texture of the burrito I was only smi-enjoying seemed to greatly resemble the SMEAR currently residing all down the side of my van.  It took every ounce of intestinal fortitude that I possessed to finish off that burrito.  I couldn't eat the chips that came with it, though.  Crunchy reminded me too much of the little birdie foot I had been accosted with.

The moral of the story is this:

Oh, who am I kidding?  There is no moral to this story.  I just felt like gifting you all with the details.  Because I needed to share.

Also, I had to scrub the guts off my windows when I got home because they had dried while I was in class and wouldn't come off with just pressure from the water hose.